I have intended, so many times before now, to blog faithfully and keep a journal of sorts, on a daily basis. I haven't done well at that goal, and I hope to change that starting now.
We have a not so new baby. Rylee Paityn was born October 21, 2015. She is the most perfect addition to our family. I no longer feel like our family is missing a part. Our family is complete, and I am oh so happy. I will blog about her another day.
So so much dance drama has happened, and I have seen both of my big girls grow so much this past year. You are not the same girls as when the year started, for you have come so far and learned more than I ever thought possible. You have learned that drama happens, girls are mean, you will be left out, people will not always like you, and that it's ok to be different. You have learned to own your differences with pride, to wear them like designer clothes, to not apologize for who you are. It hasn't come without struggle, and tears. Oh so many tears. You both feel the rejection and pain, moreso Ashlynne. McKynzie, you don't seem to crave intimacy to the depth that Ashlynne does, and you easily make friends wherever you go. Ashlynne, you are not content with surface, shallow relationships. You long to bond, to have a bestie, and someone to return the friendship that you extend. Somewhere, there is a mom(s) who is praying for a friend for their daughters, just like you, and there are parents praying for a wife for their sons, just like you. And there is a boy, praying for a wife with everything you possess.
Ashlynne you have been hurt and rejected and left out of your junior dance group by Taylor, Alysha, and Charli. Taylor and Charli are rude, vindictive, horrible bullies. Alysha isn't loyal, and plays the fence. You have had to learn to stand up for yourself and not let people walk all over you.
Anyhow, you have bonded with Jayden and Riley, and the three of you text on a group thread. Jaden texted some not super nice comments (caca butt,) but nothing super horrifying. and Riley called her out on it and told her in the thread that "Ashlynne checks this and so does my mom (as she uses her moms phone) Then when you guys were at dance, Riley begged you to delete the inappropriate things Jaden texted so that it erased all evidence so she and Jaden wouldn't get in trouble. You wouldn't. Riley also told you that she wasn't supposed to say "what the heck,' but she does at Jadens house, and hides it from her mom. She knew you would tell me and that made her upset, as she thought I would tell her mom, and I would be upset at it. She also told you she would get spanked for it. You didn't cave. You assured her I wouldn't be mad, and she asked you not to tell me. Jaden wouldn't speak to you because of the same reason. After class, Riley came to you and asked that if you were gonna tell me, she would go with you. You turned her down. You assured her we talk about everything. You came home so disappointed in their choices, and let down. You thought they were better than that, to do something they weren't supposed to do, and then to erase evidence to prevent a consequence. And ask you to do the same! You were so strong! And I was so proud. I can't even explain how proud I am that you stood up to them, had integrity and wouldn't erase the evidence, and that you came right home and told me! You held nothing back, and I was nearly brought to tears that you trusted our relationship so much. You felt safe, secure, and knew the right thing was. I pray you never EVER lose that.
And McKynzie, you listened to it all, soaking up every word. I pray you tucked the principles from that situation deep inside your heart, to pull out when you need them in the future. I know you will, for you are a popular little lady, and your friends will try the same to you, of that I am sure.
Ashlynne, you were brokenhearted that your friends had betrayed a code of ethics and integrity. You were grieved in your spirit, to the point of I seriously doubt you wanted to be good friends with them after this. I encouraged you that we are to look for fruit to determine what sort of character someone has, but that we, in no way chalk someone off for a mistake. I encouraged you to hold them to a standard of integrity and to encourage them to tell their parents about it.
I pray that you both get daughters just like you, so you can truly know how blessed I am to be your mama. I love you very much. I must go to bed now, for I am exhausted from remodeling our Queen Creek house. You both are very brave souls, and I am beyond blessed to be loved by you. I love you more than you will ever know!
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
Saturday, January 17, 2015
God, Ashlynne, and Dance
My goal each day, is to show you God's love, mercy, His unending grace, and to teach you to generously pass that on to others. Some days it seems as if I am parenting you God's way in vain, but God shows me His fingerprints all over you, and it makes my heart glad!
Your dream is to be a dancer, own your own studio, and teach dance in your studio. You have job positions for each of us at your studio. Your dad will work the electronics, lighting, and your in-studio coffee shop. I will work the front desk and be your bookkeeper, McKynzie will teach classes.
Anyway, you took tap with Miss Heather this year, an intermediate tap class, after only taking 6mos of tap since you were like 4. Miss Brenda put you in Miss Heather's class, as she sees that you have a natural dance talent. :) You usually tap in the back row, as you try your best to keep up, but it doesn't look like you are super confident in that class yet, but it will come, I just know it. You concentrate very hard, and you are always very focused. Miss Heather choreographed a routine called "Bell Hop" and it is your favorite routine yet. It goes very fast and I have no idea how you remember choreography, let alone tap on the right counts. So you memorize quickly but sometimes, it looks like you are a step behind, and a little unsure of yourself. I can tell that it is just because it is all new, and you will have it down next week. You practice all of the time at home. :) She decided to compete Bell Hop, and has been talking for months about how perfect the routine has to be, and you LOVE to compete because you LOVE being evaluated, as you are a perfectionist. :) So I paid the competition fee for the upcoming competition. I had told you that, yes you could compete, and I had told Brenda. I had your costume altered by the deadline for the competing costumes. Turns out, during the week, after I paid, Miss Brenda called me, feeling badly. She said that there was a mistake, but that your name was not on the list of competing dancers for the routine, and that she had contacted Miss Heather saying you were competing and Miss Heather said you were not on any if her records either. Miss Heather had said that she had a conversation with me in which I told her that you were NOT competing, because we had too much going on. Miss Heather said she hadn't even written your part into choreography for competition. I haven't even had a conversation with Miss Heather this semester. I have no idea where she got that. After telling Miss Brenda, she said that you would be able to compete in May, but not the two competitions before that. I told you our conversation, and you were beyond devastated. You cried, giant alligator tears that broke my heart. You said you had worked so hard, you felt like they lied to you, because telling you every week it had to be perfect for competition. You asked if it was something you did. You asked if you were the only one. My heart hurt for the pain you felt. Your little 8 yr old dreams were dashed. Miss Brenda called back and said that after talking to Miss Heather, you weren't going to be able to compete at any of the competitions. Heather said she couldn't re-write choreography to include you, and that she didn't have time to get you caught up anyways. Miss Brenda said you weren't ready for competition anyway, and that you were consistently a beat behind. I told her that if it was because you weren't up to speed, that you would be ok knowing that.
So you would only perform that routine at dance recital in June. This happened in December. You were so mad! You wanted to know who's fault it was, who made the mistake, and how it happened, and why to you. I got the phone call at about 9:30. You cried off and on, mostly on, until 1pm. I held you, I told you what you were feeling wasn't wrong, I cried with you, I hurt for you, I gave you perspective, I tried to find how God could use this, and how much He cared about you. I reminded how God says he works ALL things for the good of those who loved him and are called according to his purpose. You asked how he could work THIS out for good? I wanted to kick Heather and Brenda's butt for hurting my little girl so terribly. I knew there was no way it could be fixed or changed. And thankfully, you had almost a week before you had to be in Heather's class again, and you had 24 yrs before being in Brenda's class. I had no idea how you were going to be able to process this, and treat Brenda with kindness and respect when she hurt you.
At about 1:30 you said you didn't want to talk about it anymore. That pierced my heart because I knew that you were growing up, and you had to do this on your own. I prayed that I could only have given you enough guidance, and God's perspective for your situation. You said you would come to me if you wanted to talk about it. I could see you hurting- and it tore my heart up, but I knew you needed time, and you needed me to respect you not wanting to discuss it. It was SOOOO hard! I called Grandma and dumped, called Daddy and dumped, and they were both mad at someone causing pain to you. You called Daddy and cried as well. It killed him knowing he couldn't fix it. I told you that you would still get to perform it at your recital, and you said that it didn't matter. You said that it didn't count. I asked why, and you said that you liked having an audience. I reminded you that family always came to watch your recital. You said it didn't count because family didn't care if you made a mistake. It could be an awful dance and they would still be proud, but judges on the other hand critique your skill, your effort, your talent. You wanted to see how you measured up in someones eyes who didn't love you. You wanted to know how good you REALLY were. You wanted to fix every little part that wasn't perfect, and you knew a judge would tell you that.
So you went in to Acro class on Thursday, and looked Miss Brenda in the eye as if nothing had happened. You held your chin up and worked hard. My eyes filled with tears, my heart was beaming with pride. I knew how hard it was for you, but was astonished at how mature you were about moving on. I wouldn't have been able to handle it nearly as gracefully as you did, i know that. I didn't even want to see Miss Brenda or Miss Heather! It was very hard for me to treat them kindly, and cover over their mistake. I have NO idea how you did it so well. It showed me what you were truly made of. Grace, Love, Kindness, Forgiveness, Determination, Focus, Integrity... I was never so proud of you.
Then the weekend came, and you still didn't talk about it. You had tap class, You walked in and gave Miss Heather a Christmas card and cookies we had made, looked her in the eye and said "Merry Christmas!" and you meant it. You didn't treat Miss Heather badly, you still showed your Iron strong character, but it was the first time that you didn't dance your heart out. You yawned through the entire class, you were bored, you didn't dance with any enthusiasm or determination, but you did dance. You were missing your spark. I called daddy and told him and he came to watch after work. He was so sad for you. You lost your happy- but only for a moment .:) That night, you asked if we could talk about it. My heart was so happy! I was dying to know what was going on in your little brilliant mind! And your kind heart. You said that you had thought about it, and you explained it this way: You said "Picture this mommy. I am me, sitting in my boat, (dance), on a lake, (my dream of dance). My teachers threw in a rock (saying I can't compete) and it rocked my boat, and created big waves, but it didn't tip my boat completely over. It didn't ruin my dream and make it impossible. It just created ripples. My dream isn't ruined. And I keep telling myself. It's only one routine with competition. It's not that big of a deal. When I'm all grown up, missing out on competing one routine isn't going to affect my career. I still love to dance, and I still want to compete. This hasn't changed my dream! I'm going to be ok. I will be disappointed, but I will be ok. I'm going to continue on as if this never happened. And God must have a plan, for he works everything out for my good." WORD! I couldn't have said it so well. I was blown away by your illustration, and I knew in my heart, again, that God has great things for you. And truly, you really were ok with it at that point.
Then it was Christmas break.
Then it was time to go back. On Monday, in ballet, Brooke Schorie asked if you were competing the tap routine, and you told her no. She asked why and you told her that there had been a miscommunication. And then you changed the subject.
Then Tuesday came, and you worked your little heart out in tap, and did fantastically!
Fast forward to the following Tuesday, and you came out of tap saying that Miss Heather had said that anyone could compete in May. I was mad. And confused. And you were excited, hopeful, but cautious. I suggested we go in and ask, double check and get the details. I was NOT going to put you through that again. So you ever so politely and sweetly asked Miss Heather: "Miss Heather, I wanted to check if I understood correctly. You said in class that anyone could compete?" Miss Heather told you that yes, anyone could compete in May, and that you would be there for your drill competition anyways. You were so excited and thankful! You hugged her and thanked her, and ran off to tell your friend. I thanked Miss Heather, and she told me that you were a little behind, but that you had worked hard and caught up. and that you would indeed be ready by May for sure. I told her to always feel comfortable telling you that, because you were a strong little girl and would rather know. I did explain, however, that you only had 6 mos of tap prior to her class! I couldn't help myself. I was proud of you, and how far you came because your hard work had caught you up. I wanted her to know that.
We left, and on the way home, you were beyond excited. You exclaimed "Mommy! God really does work all things for our good, and he does care about our dreams! This is a miracle! I am so happy he answered my prayers, because I had been praying that he would please let me compete this routine! He hears MY prayers mommy!"
I told you what Heather had said, and you realized that, had you have continued to slack off, and have a bad attitude, you wouldn't NOT have gotten to perform, because you would have been behind. But you danced because you loved it, and because it was what was right, and God honored and blessed that. You said you were so glad you didn't slack off! And so was I.
My heart felt something it never felt before. You and God worked something out-just between the two of you, and you came out victorious, and God blessed it, and spoke to you. And you knew it. It is the kind of experience we pray for, the direct interactions with each of you and God. God answered your prayers, and mine. It showed me that God was working in your heart, independently of what Daddy and I can do. And that you were listening to God, and that your heart was softened to His teaching. And you learned to Trust God; to Pray and bring your requests to him; You learned to forgive others; to See the bright side. Those lessons took roots in your heart, way down deep, and I am so thankful, and excited to continue watching you grow!
Your dream is to be a dancer, own your own studio, and teach dance in your studio. You have job positions for each of us at your studio. Your dad will work the electronics, lighting, and your in-studio coffee shop. I will work the front desk and be your bookkeeper, McKynzie will teach classes.
Anyway, you took tap with Miss Heather this year, an intermediate tap class, after only taking 6mos of tap since you were like 4. Miss Brenda put you in Miss Heather's class, as she sees that you have a natural dance talent. :) You usually tap in the back row, as you try your best to keep up, but it doesn't look like you are super confident in that class yet, but it will come, I just know it. You concentrate very hard, and you are always very focused. Miss Heather choreographed a routine called "Bell Hop" and it is your favorite routine yet. It goes very fast and I have no idea how you remember choreography, let alone tap on the right counts. So you memorize quickly but sometimes, it looks like you are a step behind, and a little unsure of yourself. I can tell that it is just because it is all new, and you will have it down next week. You practice all of the time at home. :) She decided to compete Bell Hop, and has been talking for months about how perfect the routine has to be, and you LOVE to compete because you LOVE being evaluated, as you are a perfectionist. :) So I paid the competition fee for the upcoming competition. I had told you that, yes you could compete, and I had told Brenda. I had your costume altered by the deadline for the competing costumes. Turns out, during the week, after I paid, Miss Brenda called me, feeling badly. She said that there was a mistake, but that your name was not on the list of competing dancers for the routine, and that she had contacted Miss Heather saying you were competing and Miss Heather said you were not on any if her records either. Miss Heather had said that she had a conversation with me in which I told her that you were NOT competing, because we had too much going on. Miss Heather said she hadn't even written your part into choreography for competition. I haven't even had a conversation with Miss Heather this semester. I have no idea where she got that. After telling Miss Brenda, she said that you would be able to compete in May, but not the two competitions before that. I told you our conversation, and you were beyond devastated. You cried, giant alligator tears that broke my heart. You said you had worked so hard, you felt like they lied to you, because telling you every week it had to be perfect for competition. You asked if it was something you did. You asked if you were the only one. My heart hurt for the pain you felt. Your little 8 yr old dreams were dashed. Miss Brenda called back and said that after talking to Miss Heather, you weren't going to be able to compete at any of the competitions. Heather said she couldn't re-write choreography to include you, and that she didn't have time to get you caught up anyways. Miss Brenda said you weren't ready for competition anyway, and that you were consistently a beat behind. I told her that if it was because you weren't up to speed, that you would be ok knowing that.
So you would only perform that routine at dance recital in June. This happened in December. You were so mad! You wanted to know who's fault it was, who made the mistake, and how it happened, and why to you. I got the phone call at about 9:30. You cried off and on, mostly on, until 1pm. I held you, I told you what you were feeling wasn't wrong, I cried with you, I hurt for you, I gave you perspective, I tried to find how God could use this, and how much He cared about you. I reminded how God says he works ALL things for the good of those who loved him and are called according to his purpose. You asked how he could work THIS out for good? I wanted to kick Heather and Brenda's butt for hurting my little girl so terribly. I knew there was no way it could be fixed or changed. And thankfully, you had almost a week before you had to be in Heather's class again, and you had 24 yrs before being in Brenda's class. I had no idea how you were going to be able to process this, and treat Brenda with kindness and respect when she hurt you.
At about 1:30 you said you didn't want to talk about it anymore. That pierced my heart because I knew that you were growing up, and you had to do this on your own. I prayed that I could only have given you enough guidance, and God's perspective for your situation. You said you would come to me if you wanted to talk about it. I could see you hurting- and it tore my heart up, but I knew you needed time, and you needed me to respect you not wanting to discuss it. It was SOOOO hard! I called Grandma and dumped, called Daddy and dumped, and they were both mad at someone causing pain to you. You called Daddy and cried as well. It killed him knowing he couldn't fix it. I told you that you would still get to perform it at your recital, and you said that it didn't matter. You said that it didn't count. I asked why, and you said that you liked having an audience. I reminded you that family always came to watch your recital. You said it didn't count because family didn't care if you made a mistake. It could be an awful dance and they would still be proud, but judges on the other hand critique your skill, your effort, your talent. You wanted to see how you measured up in someones eyes who didn't love you. You wanted to know how good you REALLY were. You wanted to fix every little part that wasn't perfect, and you knew a judge would tell you that.
So you went in to Acro class on Thursday, and looked Miss Brenda in the eye as if nothing had happened. You held your chin up and worked hard. My eyes filled with tears, my heart was beaming with pride. I knew how hard it was for you, but was astonished at how mature you were about moving on. I wouldn't have been able to handle it nearly as gracefully as you did, i know that. I didn't even want to see Miss Brenda or Miss Heather! It was very hard for me to treat them kindly, and cover over their mistake. I have NO idea how you did it so well. It showed me what you were truly made of. Grace, Love, Kindness, Forgiveness, Determination, Focus, Integrity... I was never so proud of you.
Then the weekend came, and you still didn't talk about it. You had tap class, You walked in and gave Miss Heather a Christmas card and cookies we had made, looked her in the eye and said "Merry Christmas!" and you meant it. You didn't treat Miss Heather badly, you still showed your Iron strong character, but it was the first time that you didn't dance your heart out. You yawned through the entire class, you were bored, you didn't dance with any enthusiasm or determination, but you did dance. You were missing your spark. I called daddy and told him and he came to watch after work. He was so sad for you. You lost your happy- but only for a moment .:) That night, you asked if we could talk about it. My heart was so happy! I was dying to know what was going on in your little brilliant mind! And your kind heart. You said that you had thought about it, and you explained it this way: You said "Picture this mommy. I am me, sitting in my boat, (dance), on a lake, (my dream of dance). My teachers threw in a rock (saying I can't compete) and it rocked my boat, and created big waves, but it didn't tip my boat completely over. It didn't ruin my dream and make it impossible. It just created ripples. My dream isn't ruined. And I keep telling myself. It's only one routine with competition. It's not that big of a deal. When I'm all grown up, missing out on competing one routine isn't going to affect my career. I still love to dance, and I still want to compete. This hasn't changed my dream! I'm going to be ok. I will be disappointed, but I will be ok. I'm going to continue on as if this never happened. And God must have a plan, for he works everything out for my good." WORD! I couldn't have said it so well. I was blown away by your illustration, and I knew in my heart, again, that God has great things for you. And truly, you really were ok with it at that point.
Then it was Christmas break.
Then it was time to go back. On Monday, in ballet, Brooke Schorie asked if you were competing the tap routine, and you told her no. She asked why and you told her that there had been a miscommunication. And then you changed the subject.
Then Tuesday came, and you worked your little heart out in tap, and did fantastically!
Fast forward to the following Tuesday, and you came out of tap saying that Miss Heather had said that anyone could compete in May. I was mad. And confused. And you were excited, hopeful, but cautious. I suggested we go in and ask, double check and get the details. I was NOT going to put you through that again. So you ever so politely and sweetly asked Miss Heather: "Miss Heather, I wanted to check if I understood correctly. You said in class that anyone could compete?" Miss Heather told you that yes, anyone could compete in May, and that you would be there for your drill competition anyways. You were so excited and thankful! You hugged her and thanked her, and ran off to tell your friend. I thanked Miss Heather, and she told me that you were a little behind, but that you had worked hard and caught up. and that you would indeed be ready by May for sure. I told her to always feel comfortable telling you that, because you were a strong little girl and would rather know. I did explain, however, that you only had 6 mos of tap prior to her class! I couldn't help myself. I was proud of you, and how far you came because your hard work had caught you up. I wanted her to know that.
We left, and on the way home, you were beyond excited. You exclaimed "Mommy! God really does work all things for our good, and he does care about our dreams! This is a miracle! I am so happy he answered my prayers, because I had been praying that he would please let me compete this routine! He hears MY prayers mommy!"
I told you what Heather had said, and you realized that, had you have continued to slack off, and have a bad attitude, you wouldn't NOT have gotten to perform, because you would have been behind. But you danced because you loved it, and because it was what was right, and God honored and blessed that. You said you were so glad you didn't slack off! And so was I.
My heart felt something it never felt before. You and God worked something out-just between the two of you, and you came out victorious, and God blessed it, and spoke to you. And you knew it. It is the kind of experience we pray for, the direct interactions with each of you and God. God answered your prayers, and mine. It showed me that God was working in your heart, independently of what Daddy and I can do. And that you were listening to God, and that your heart was softened to His teaching. And you learned to Trust God; to Pray and bring your requests to him; You learned to forgive others; to See the bright side. Those lessons took roots in your heart, way down deep, and I am so thankful, and excited to continue watching you grow!
Friday, January 16, 2015
From your Mommy
So I have decided to start a blog for you to read when you're older, and perhaps to even publish as a book, just for you girls. As of now, I have you two girls, and we are praying for another baby. You both have been so amazing that I would LOVE to have more children. After I miscarried in 2013, it was hard and a bit scary. Anyways. Enough of that. I tried to write a journal for you both, but I am not the quickest writer, and I don't have a lot of spare time these days. But I wanted to keep up on my memories of you girls, or at least try. You leave me with such beautiful memories of every day, and I want to cherish them forever. And I want you to look back when you're older, and catch a glimpse of how blessed I am to be your mom, and what you were like. Although that could never be explained adequately, but I will try. I am not feeling well today- I think I have a small stomach bug. You girls have pampered me, and taken such good care of me. You both will be amazing mommies one day. I am so proud of you, and I adore each kiss and hug that you so abundantly bestow upon me.
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