God, Ashlynne, and Dance

My goal each day, is to show you God's love, mercy, His unending grace, and to teach you to generously pass that on to others. Some days it seems as if I am parenting you God's way in vain, but God shows me His fingerprints all over you, and it makes my heart glad!

Your dream is to be a dancer, own your own studio, and teach dance in your studio. You have job positions for each of us at your studio. Your dad will work the electronics, lighting, and your in-studio coffee shop. I will work the front desk and be your bookkeeper, McKynzie will teach classes.

Anyway, you took tap with Miss Heather this year, an intermediate tap class, after only taking 6mos of tap since you were like 4. Miss Brenda put you in Miss Heather's class, as she sees that you have a natural dance talent. :) You usually tap in the back row, as you try your best to keep up, but it doesn't look like you are super confident in that class yet, but it will come, I just know it. You concentrate very hard, and you are always very focused. Miss Heather choreographed a routine called "Bell Hop" and it is your favorite routine yet. It goes very fast and I have no idea how you remember choreography, let alone tap on the right counts. So you memorize quickly but sometimes, it looks like you are a step behind, and a little unsure of yourself. I can tell that it is just because it is all new, and you will have it down next week. You practice all of the time at home. :) She decided to compete Bell Hop, and has been talking for months about how perfect the routine has to be, and you LOVE to compete because you LOVE being evaluated, as you are a perfectionist. :) So I paid the competition fee for the upcoming competition. I had told you that, yes you could compete, and I had told Brenda. I had your costume altered by the deadline for the competing costumes. Turns out, during the week, after I paid, Miss Brenda called me, feeling badly. She said that there was a mistake, but that your name was not on the list of competing dancers for the routine, and that she had contacted Miss Heather saying you were competing and Miss Heather said you were not on any if her records either. Miss Heather had said that she had a conversation with me in which I told her that you were NOT competing, because we had too much going on. Miss Heather said she hadn't even written your part into choreography for competition. I haven't even had a conversation with Miss Heather this semester. I have no idea where she got that. After telling Miss Brenda, she said that you would be able to compete in May, but not the two competitions before that. I told you our conversation, and you were beyond devastated. You cried, giant alligator tears that broke my heart. You said you had worked so hard, you felt like they lied to you, because telling you every week it had to be perfect for competition. You asked if it was something you did. You asked if you were the only one. My heart hurt for the pain you felt. Your little 8 yr old dreams were dashed. Miss Brenda called back and said that after talking to Miss Heather, you weren't going to be able to compete at any of the competitions. Heather said she couldn't re-write choreography to include you, and that she didn't have time to get you caught up anyways. Miss Brenda said you weren't ready for competition anyway, and that you were consistently a beat behind. I told her that if it was because you weren't up to speed, that you would be ok knowing that.
So you would only perform that routine at dance recital in June. This happened in December. You were so mad! You wanted to know who's fault it was, who made the mistake, and how it happened, and why to you. I got the phone call at about 9:30. You cried off and on, mostly on, until 1pm. I held you, I told you what you were feeling wasn't wrong, I cried with you, I hurt for you, I gave you perspective, I tried to find how God could use this, and how much He cared about you. I reminded how God says he works ALL things for the good of those who loved him and are called according to his purpose. You asked how he could work THIS out for good? I wanted to kick Heather and Brenda's butt for hurting my little girl so terribly. I knew there was no way it could be fixed or changed. And thankfully, you had almost a week before you had to be in Heather's class again, and you had 24 yrs before being in Brenda's class. I had no idea how you were going to be able to process this, and treat Brenda with kindness and respect when she hurt you.
At about 1:30 you said you didn't want to talk about it anymore. That pierced my heart because I knew that you were growing up, and you had to do this on your own. I prayed that I could only have given you enough guidance, and God's perspective for your situation. You said you would come to me if you wanted to talk about it. I could see you hurting- and it tore my heart up, but I knew you needed time, and you needed me to respect you not wanting to discuss it. It was SOOOO hard! I called Grandma and dumped, called Daddy and dumped, and they were both mad at someone causing pain to you. You called Daddy and cried as well. It killed him knowing he couldn't fix it. I told you that you would still get to perform it at your recital, and you said that it didn't matter. You said that it didn't count. I asked why, and you said that you liked having an audience. I reminded you that family always came to watch your recital. You said it didn't count because family didn't care if you made a mistake. It could be an awful dance and they would still be proud, but judges on the other hand critique your skill, your effort, your talent. You wanted to see how you measured up in someones eyes who didn't love you. You wanted to know how good you REALLY were. You wanted to fix every little part that wasn't perfect, and you knew a judge would tell you that.

So you went in to Acro class on Thursday, and looked Miss Brenda in the eye as if nothing had happened. You held your chin up and worked hard. My eyes filled with tears, my heart was beaming with pride. I knew how hard it was for you, but was astonished at how mature you were about moving on. I wouldn't have been able to handle it nearly as gracefully as you did, i know that. I didn't even want to see Miss Brenda or Miss Heather! It was very hard for me to treat them kindly, and cover over their mistake. I have NO idea how you did it so well. It showed me what you were truly made of. Grace, Love, Kindness, Forgiveness, Determination, Focus, Integrity... I was never so proud of you.

Then the weekend came, and you still didn't talk about it. You had tap class, You walked in and gave Miss Heather a Christmas card and cookies we had made, looked her in the eye and said "Merry Christmas!" and you meant it. You didn't treat Miss Heather badly, you still showed your Iron strong character, but it was the first time that you didn't dance your heart out. You yawned through the entire class, you were bored, you didn't dance with any enthusiasm or determination, but you did dance. You were missing your spark. I called daddy and told him and he came to watch  after work. He was so sad for you. You lost your happy- but only for a moment .:) That night, you asked if we could talk about it. My heart was so happy! I was dying to know what was going on in your little brilliant mind! And your kind heart. You said that you had thought about it, and you explained it this way: You said "Picture this mommy. I am me, sitting in my boat, (dance), on a lake, (my dream of dance). My teachers threw in a rock (saying I can't compete) and it rocked my boat, and created big waves, but it didn't tip my boat completely over. It didn't ruin my dream and make it impossible. It just created ripples. My dream isn't ruined. And I keep telling myself. It's only one routine with competition. It's not that big of a deal. When I'm all grown up, missing out on competing one routine isn't going to affect my career. I still love to dance, and I still want to compete. This hasn't changed my dream! I'm going to be ok. I will be disappointed, but I will be ok. I'm going to continue on as if this never happened. And God must have a plan, for he works everything out for my good." WORD! I couldn't have said it so well. I was blown away by your illustration, and I knew in my heart, again, that God has great things for you. And truly, you really were ok with it at that point.

Then it was Christmas break.

Then it was time to go back. On Monday, in ballet, Brooke Schorie asked if you were competing the tap routine, and you told her no. She asked why and you told her that there had been a miscommunication. And then you changed the subject.

Then Tuesday came, and you worked your little heart out in tap, and did fantastically!

Fast forward to the following Tuesday, and you came out of tap saying that Miss Heather had said that anyone could compete in May. I was mad. And confused. And you were excited, hopeful, but cautious. I suggested we go in and ask, double check and get the details. I was NOT going to put you through that again. So you ever so politely and sweetly asked Miss Heather: "Miss Heather, I wanted to check if I understood correctly. You said in class that anyone could compete?" Miss Heather told you that yes, anyone could compete in May, and that you would be there for your drill competition anyways. You were so excited and thankful! You hugged her and thanked her, and ran off to tell your friend. I thanked Miss Heather, and she told me that you were a little behind, but that you had worked hard and caught up. and that you would indeed be ready by May for sure. I told her to always feel comfortable telling you that, because you were a strong little girl and would rather know. I did explain, however, that you only had 6 mos of tap prior to her class! I couldn't help myself. I was proud of you, and how far you came because your hard work had caught you up. I wanted her to know that.

We left, and on the way home, you were beyond excited. You exclaimed "Mommy! God really does work all things for our good, and he does care about our dreams! This is a miracle! I am so happy he answered my prayers, because I had been praying that he would please let me compete this routine! He hears MY prayers mommy!"

I told you what Heather had said, and you realized that, had you have continued to slack off, and have a bad attitude, you wouldn't NOT have gotten to perform, because you would have been behind. But you danced because you loved it, and because it was what was right, and God honored and blessed that. You said you were so glad you didn't slack off! And so was I.

My heart felt something it never felt before. You and God worked something out-just between the two of you, and you came out victorious, and God blessed it, and spoke to you. And you knew it. It is the kind of experience we pray for, the direct interactions with each of you and God. God answered your prayers, and mine. It showed me that God was working in your heart, independently of what Daddy and I can do. And that you were listening to God, and that your heart was softened to His teaching. And you learned to Trust God; to Pray and bring your requests to him; You learned to forgive others; to See the bright side. Those lessons took roots in your heart, way down deep, and I am so thankful, and excited to continue watching you grow!

From your Mommy

So I have decided to start a blog for you to read when you're older, and perhaps to even publish as a book, just for you girls. As of now, I have you two girls, and we are praying for another baby. You both have been so amazing that I would LOVE to have more children. After I miscarried in 2013, it was hard and a bit scary. Anyways. Enough of that. I tried to write a journal for you both, but I am not the quickest writer, and I don't have a lot of spare time these days. But I wanted to keep up on my memories of you girls, or at least try. You leave me with such beautiful memories of every day, and I want to cherish them forever. And I want you to  look back when you're older, and catch a glimpse of how blessed I am to be your mom, and what you were like. Although that could never be explained adequately, but I will try. I am not feeling well today- I think I have a small stomach bug. You girls have pampered me, and taken such good care of me. You both will be amazing mommies one day. I am so proud of you, and I adore each kiss and hug that you so abundantly bestow upon me.